The follow represent all known win conditions for the game of Chess. A player must achieve one or more of the following in order to be declared winner and recieve the traditional winner's sash.
- One player achieves 'Checkmate'.
- One player surrenders to the other.
- One player is struck dead by either nature or the other player.
- Should the game take place under a new moon, the game is declared a tie.
- The land speed record is broken.
- The winner's sash is removed from the previous winner with sufficient violence.
- If an albatross casts it's shadow across the board, both players are declared the loser.
- One player hits a ground base hit to second, leading to at least two RBI.
- The chess clock becomes fully enclosed in timing amber.
- The rook's mother requires them to come home for dinner.
- One or more of the players are Raptured.
- Should both players achieve 'Checkmate,' the match will be decided through a game of Parcheesi.
- One player is revealed to be a miner.
- The referee's decorative chess mace is returned to it's cradle.
- At least 66% of one player's pieces are burned.
- A Double Rumble is executed.
- Should both players be stuck in an endless tie the winner will be decided through a death match
- When a shrew is released to eat a bunch of pieces.
- A bottle flip is performed on top of the board
- Antimatter is synthesized
- The player recites the Bible
- If the chess board is vaporized with the use of a nuclear weapon, the game is to be declared a tie.
- Sisyphus pushes the boulder all the way to the top